Deal with the Devil

Somewhere along the way, I found myself wondering as I was wandering what a deal with the devil would even look like, were it possible. Would it be something I’d willingly consider, if it meant having what I wanted?

Most of the time, I want to hope that I’d be a better person and say no, of course not. I’d rise above the temptation. The goals I have set for myself would be meaningless for me to achieve if I knew they were the product of a hand other than my own.

Except…

The LSAT is coming. It’s only 9 days away now. Which is playing out as a microcosm of my concerns regarding my life, purpose, and plans. Hindsight is 20/20, assuming you ever actually learn from your mistakes. If you don’t, well, there you go finding yourself hitting a brick wall over and over again.

If I’ve learned anything about human nature, it’s how predictable we as a species tend to be, and given our tendencies for mediocrity what ends up successfully capturing our imagination is anything that breaks that mold. Let yourself get swept up long enough in fantasy, and you might long to believe that you yourself are also capable of doing great deeds. Continue for too long, though, and what happens?

Reality hits. Hard.

It seems like the rules of the game I thought I was playing were a different one altogether. Where and how is good behavior and intelligence rewarded, in a world where someone like Kim Kardashian has millions? I grew up thinking that the path towards a moderately better life would happen if I did the “right” things, and good for the sake of goodness was enough.

Unfortunately, it’s not. I cannot see any gain I may get for having been both good and smart in the past, because no matter what I do now I am in still in some way, shape, or form trapped into considering the various means by which I must sell myself to make ends meet. Does it ever stop? I feel like a canary in a coal mine, and I’d gladly trade the cage for whatever cost if it meant freedom.

The breath of freedom might be blowing along the west coast, and perhaps it always has, and maybe that is its allure. Once, I breathed it in and found myself dreaming of soaring. And awoke, still confined, only now knowing the freedom is found elsewhere. And no longer caring how I get out, only that I get out.

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