So I’ve neglected this blog for three months. Somewhere I read that the best way to vanish without a trace is to gradually withdraw from all aspects of your life, and that’s exactly what I did. I dropped off the face of the planet under the pretext of preparing for law school.
And somewhere in the midst of studying for the LSAT, I broke.
Not because of the LSAT, and not because I was trying so hard to not stress that I was invariably stressing myself out and not letting my eye heal, but more because I finally reached my limit. With that said, some people explode when they’re upset, and others implode. I implode, which seems great for everyone but me. Something’s always got to give, though, and it took me way too long to see that it was always going to be me unless I made changes.
It’s always fascinated me how people cope under duress. If you really want to get to know someone, make them uncomfortable. Throw a person out of their element, and you’ll gain a greater understanding of how their brain really works, because there is no time for them to prepare it for you. What you see is what you get, at its most basic level. I don’t know what it means that it took me as long as it did to get to my breaking point, and that it went generally under the radar for most folks, other than man I’ve really been a jerk to myself.
Basically, it’s the end of me overextending myself for everyone. It’s taken me a while, but I am finally ok with this statement: It’s not selfish if it’s taking care of yourself.
It’s a really hard lesson, especially for me. I like being selfless, because it’s dogma and tied with the whole do the right thing long enough to become your best self ideology, and it’s socially reinforced since people generally see this as you being nice. And generally speaking, I like being thought of as a nice person. However, I needed to realize that nice people say no, too. And recognize that if I’m constantly putting out my own internal fires, the me that people are seeing isn’t really an accurate portrayal of the person I could be, and the version of me they should be getting. As long as I give an environment for my inner flaws to flourish, there’s no real way I could expect to genuinely connect with anyone.
It’s like talking through a brick wall. It’s possible, but why would anyone want to when they know they don’t have to do so?