It’s a new year, and somehow, I feel like so much of it is a continuation of the year before. I’m still working on my law degree, it’s working for me but I don’t know if it’s an experience I’d tell anyone they should undertake. There’s so much student debt involved, even if one qualifies for having a portion of it taken care of by the school via scholarships and/or work-study programs. Those both carry their own can of worms, and I’d like to discuss them at a future point.
I don’t want to digress from the moment at present, where we’re all enjoying the feeling of newness with the new year. We want to make resolutions, but I personally hate myself so much when I fail that it’s part of why I really don’t make resolutions. I’ll set goals for myself, and hope the Lord or life or the sheer fact that I’m alive and uncertain as to why will direct me somewhere.
Being in law school has felt like being simultaneously tempted by versions of my best self and my worst self, and having to balance which one won’t ruin me. The human me, shed free of its aspirations and condemnations, the me I hope to one day present to my Maker. The small me, the fearful me, who by definition has to harbor sin, because i’m a woman. I belong to the human species. I am a member of the Catholic Church, but I’ve never really felt like it’s accepted me willingly, the way I’d hope my God would. The concept of faith is one that’s both passed down and selected, and I’ve never lacked for faith, but have found my spirituality wanting more than rote adherence to the past.
Catholicism shaped me in many ways, but I have had to walk a rocky road to get the seeds of faith to germinate in me. Mainly because it took so long for me to realize that I was judging myself far more harshly than a loving God would. This is by far the heaviest burden to carry, and while I shrug it off now, I am grateful that I realized at some point that judging me would always be in my God’s power. I’d do much better if I were thankful for His blessings than if I were forever querying Him for favors.
The lessons I learned last year were a further reinforcement of how an appreciative attitude helps one advance in one’s goals. My goal for this year is to try to be more patient. It’s a virtue for a reason, and difficult one to grasp.
What are your new year’s goals or resolutions?