August and September have always felt like the hottest summer months in the Bay Area to me. It’s been a rough couple of days lately, what with my betta sorority completely falling apart* and then having to re-home a dog** that I was getting used to having around. It always feels like a personal failure on my part when things just don’t work out, my stubborn nature makes me believe that had I more time/energy/whatever things would have turned out differently.
Then there’s all the wedding planning stuff, and I really wish it was all done. I never wanted to be a Bridezilla. I know my Pinterest feed is full of wedding planning ideas, but that’s the extent of it. I wanted the wedding to stay in a neat little corner of my brain, because I feel like a bad feminist for caring about the various moving parts of it, and not being able to keep it to myself. The last thing I want to do is burden anyone else with it, because it’s just a wedding and I want to roll my eyes about it. Or at least a part of me feels like I should want to roll my eyes and gag at the parts of me that want to be head over heels giddy about this process.
It’s seeping into my schedule and I’m losing sleep and stressing about it. From the proposal to picking out the dress, it hasn’t been fun for me. Honestly, half the time I want to just cancel the whole event as from the get-go, it’s felt like just a bunch of business transactions and while I’m great at planning events and used to work in the wedding industry, classes are going to start soon and I will have to delegate things.
Everyone says this is supposed to be a happy event. How can I be happy about getting married, when I don’t feel worthy of this Sacrament?
*the bettas were upgraded from a 10 gallon tank to a 29 gallon tank, and in the process there was fungal infection that killed 2 girls, 1 girl jumped the tank and my runty favorite croaked. **the dog bit someone, and in our current housing situation, it's not something that could be tolerated.